Saturday, July 02, 2005

I don't even know where to begin with this letter. I have so much to say. I have so many different emotions running around in my head and my heart that I don't really know how to form them into something that will make sense. All I know is that I need to get them out so that I can begin to pull myself together again. So I'm just going to type until my fingers are numb and let everything come flowing out hopefully at least a little of this will make sense.

It really blows my mind that it has only been 3 1/2 years that I have known you it feels like a lifetime has past since that day I met you. Do you remember that day? You have to. I used to think that it was some kind of kismet sign that we met each other on Valentine's Day. I used to tell myself that we are meant to be because we met each other on the most romantic day of the year. I remember you telling me that even though we were both with other people the day we met that the second you saw me walk into the room you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Then 1 week later you broke up with your girlfriend and you came looking for me. Luckily you found me. Everything started between us so quickly and I was swept off my feet. I had never felt love so deeply or intensely. I thought that I had found my soul mate. After a week you told me that you were falling in love with me. I had fallen in love with you the first day that we spent time together.

It was the night that you and K met J and me at the bar. We all went back to your house after that. I knew that night that I loved you, and I have never stopped since then. Bobby there has never been anyone in my lifetime that has ever made me feel anywhere close to the way that you make me feel. Even the thought of you produces butterflies in my stomach.
We definitely had our ups and downs through out these 3 1/2 years. And there seems to have been just as many bad times as good. Do you remember how you used to tell me that when we have babies they would be strawberry blond because I have red hair and you have blonde? Do you remember when I had a miscarriage in my bathroom; home all alone and you were no where to be found. Or when you surfaced 3 days later and I cried and told you what happened and all you could say was "I'm sorry". I know that was 2 years ago but I'll never get over that. Our strawberry blonde baby died and all you could say was sorry? You got so freaked out when I needed you the most that you didn't even come to my side to comfort me at my lowest moment. If you were that scared about the whole situation how the hell do you think that I felt? I didn't even know I was pregnant until I lost it. I didn't speak to you for a week after that. But of course I loved you so I took you back. Even though you have never even mentioned the situation since. You know you have just broken my heart over and over again. I don't know what kind of magic power you have over me but it must be pretty strong because I have always taken you back after you stomp on my heart. I've dated other guys while we were in "intermission" and I've never put up with any crap from them at all. But then again I never loved any of them the way that I love you. But I know that is no excuse for me letting you hurt me over and over again. I guess I really don't have an excuse. I don't know why I do it.
I know that a lot of the reason why you act the way you do is because of your drinking. The alcohol is the love of your life. They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery but not in your case. You'll be the first to admit that you are an alcoholic but that doesn't mean that you want to do anything about it. I used to think that I could deal with your drinking because I thought I could help you. I used to think that it didn't affect our relationship. Then there was the night of my birthday a couple of years ago. We were supposed to go out that night to celebrate. I even saw you that afternoon when I got out of work. You were supposed to meet up with your boss "real quick" and we would go out when you got back. I waited and waited for you but you never showed up. I kept calling your cell phone but there was no answer. Finally I gave up and went out with my girl friends instead. But I decided to give your phone one last try from the car on our way out. You finally answered. You were drunk at a bar with your boss. That's when I realized what your main priority is. I was so mad at you that I just lost my mind. I screamed at you I was so hurt that I wanted to hurt you back. I said the most horrible things that I have ever said to you. And I told you not to bother to call me or come around again. And you actually listened at least for a couple of months and then I guess you figured I had cooled off enough and you came crawling back.

The whole time you were gone I regretted all of the mean things I said to you and wished I could take them back because I missed you so much. You would think that I would have had enough. But when we had good times they were the best times I ever had. Do you remember in the beginning, the night we went to M's mother's birthday party? That night was fantastic. You were so perfect. I could just see how much you loved me and so could everyone else. Remember on the way home we sat in the back seat while D drove, and we just whispered to each other. And I sang to you that Selena song "I Could Fall In Love" along with the radio. And you got tears in your eyes. I asked you what was wrong and you said that you were falling in love with me so hard and it scared you because you never felt like that before. That was such a wonderful feeling to see you the big tough guy get tears in your eyes over me. You could be such a marshmallow sometimes. That's one of the things that I love about you; that you are so tough with the guys but so sweet with me. There's one night in particular that I will never forget. The night that you held me close to you and said that it felt like we were made to fit together. That meant so much to me, but I always figured that you had been drinking and wouldn't even remember saying it to me. But it really made my heart skip a beat when you brought it up a few months ago. For some reason our good times never lasted very long without turning sour. I think that you are afraid of committing yourself to someone else. You are afraid of handing your heart over to someone. It seems that every time you feel yourself getting too close to me you start to pull away. But can't you see after all this time that I would never hurt you?
I think after a while I started to feel like I was wasting my time, like you were never going to grow up and settle down. For God's sake Bobby your 29 years old don't you think its time to get a life? You can't spend your life partying and falling back on your parents when you get into trouble. I think I've just started to realize that you are never going to grow out of this phase. That is why I spewed out that whole speech to you a couple of months ago. Remember that the night you called me in the middle of the night and needed to talk. You were upset because your mother was sick.

Well, I let you come over (because as you know I could never turn you away). You came over and cried to me about all of your problems and you told me how you got into a fight and got stabbed, and that you beat up your ex-boss's brother, and that you were driving drunk and totaled your car but ran away from the scene of the accident. I sat there in amazement that you could tell me all of these things expecting me to feel bad for you. I guess you expected that because that's how it usually works you spill out all of these horrible things that have happened to you and I feel sympathy for you and comfort you. Well maybe this time we had enough time apart so that I grew into my own person and I realized that these aren't normal situations that normal people get into. I also realized that these aren't situations that I want to have to deal with in my life. Then I started to realize that if you were a part of my life that those situations would be the norm, and that's not how I want to live my life. It was like a slap in the face.
After all of this time of loving you and idolizing you, putting you on a pedestal I realized that you are not what I want to revolve my life around. So I felt the need to tell you this. You had hurt me so many times I figured it was my turn to hurt you. So I told you straight out that I wasn't in love with you any more. I told you that I had spent three years trapped in a haze of undying love for you but that had ended. I told you that I had gotten over you, that I would always care about you but I'm not obsessively in love with you any more. I said that I was done crying over you and done waiting around for you to clean up your act. It felt absolutely wonderful to be able to say these things to you. I was no longer the needy one, the one getting my feelings hurt. I could tell you felt hurt when I finished my whole speech and I was actually a little happy about it. I was finally the one with the upper hand in the whole situation. It was such a relief to get that out and to give you a glimpse of how you've made me feel for the past 3 years. You told me that you felt stupid about coming over that night and you left shortly after that and I haven't seen you since.

I know now that not everything I said to you was true. I do still love you and I miss you a lot. I will always love you. A piece of my heart will always belong to you and I don't know if I will ever meet anyone again who will stir up the same kind of feelings inside me that you did. But I do know that I have to move on because it is true that the things that you surround yourself with in life are not things that I want to be surrounded by. I do wish more than anything that you could straighten yourself out, stop drinking and grow up so that we could be together, but I know that the chance of that happening is very slim. And that's not a wager I want to take. I've grown up a lot in the past 3 1/2 years; I've gone from a naive 21 year old girl thinking that you were my knight in shining armor to a stronger 24 year old who realizes that my knight hasn't shown up yet. Or maybe he has but I ignored him because all I could see was you. I do know that's its not you.

Even though I know all of this its still so hard to get over you. I even drove by your house the other night just hoping to see you. I have those weak moments every once in a while I even have thought about calling you a few times. But what good would that do? It would just make this harder on myself. I know that talking to you would just make me miss you more. So I'll just leave you alone. I hope that you have a wonderful life and you end up with the house and family that you always told me you dreamed of. I hope that you can straighten yourself out because I know you have so much potential. Bobby you are so smart you can go really far in life, farther than you have even imagined yourself. I know that you don't want to end up having the life that your parents have even though you are heading down the same track, and I know you have the power to change the path that your on. I hope that you do some day. I already miss you Bobby and I will always think of you and hope that you think of me too. I'm sure that I will see you again some day since we do live in the same city after all. When I do see you again I hope that all is well with you. Most of all I hope that you never forget me. I hope that I impacted your life as much as you impacted mine. I still love you and always will but sooner or later I will find someone who isn't afraid to love me back the way I deserve to be.